


I Don't Know How I Would Even Start

by smol_infp



Series: Soulmate AU!Tree bros [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, F/F, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Suicide Attempt, i'm a mess lol, like i started it the day i posted the last chapter of the first part, wow this took me forever
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-10-31 10:59:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10897950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smol_infp/pseuds/smol_infp
Summary: In which Evan Hansen found his soulmate and it wasn't as scary as he thought it would be.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> guess who finally update!! hint; it's me. I'm trying my best to get the chapters for this typed up quickly because I'm going to be in Europe from May 29th to June 9th. The whole time I'm there I won't be able to upload, seeing as I can't take my computer with me. I've already started chapter two and I hope I'll be done by tomorrow. Anyway, this is part of my story We're A Million Worlds Apart so if you haven't read it already i advise you to do so otherwise this probably won't make much sense. without further delay, I've finished my notes, and now I present Chapter one of I Don't Know How I Would Even Start.

_‘Dear Evan Hansen,_  
_Today’s going to be a good day and here’s why. You found your soulmate and you’re dating now. Not only that, but he means a lot to you. Connor Murphy. He’s so intricate and_ _kindhearted_ , _though he usually tries to hide it. One day, he might admit it._  
_Sincerely, Me.’_

Evan smiled faintly as he printed the letter. It was the first letters he hadn’t minded writing. He stood up and closed his laptop. As he put his computer away he took out his _‘Dear Evan Hansen’_ folder and turned to the printer. Grabbing the letter off the printer and putting it into his folder, he jumped when he saw Connor was standing in the doorway.

“Oh! Jeez you scared me.” He said, going to give his boyfriend a hug. Connor just stood there, unmoving. “Connor..? Are you okay? What’s going on?”

“Why are you still here?!” Connor exploded, pushing Evan away. Evan’s eyes widened, surprised and somewhat hurt by the other boy’s words.

“What do you mean?” He asked hesitantly.

“I mean what I fucking said, Hansen! Why are you still here?! What have I done to make you think I deserve you! We shouldn’t be together. I’ll only end up hurting you.” Connor sobbed angrily. He knew that in some corner of his mind he didn’t really mean it, but it was all he could think about. It was all he’d been thinking about. Evan swallowed roughly. He wished this was just some sick joke, but how could it be?

“We’re soulmates, Connor-”

“That doesn’t fucking matter.” Connor snarled.

“Are you- are you breaking up with me?”

“I am. I don’t want to hurt you, Evan.” Connor explained, digging his nails into his palms.

“Too late for that.” Evan whimpered, pushing past Connor and out into the hallway. He found the nearest bathroom, locked himself in a stall, and starting sobbing. It had been three months. _Three months!_ And sure, they’d argued but Evan never thought it would lead to this. Through his tears he pulled out his phone and texted Zoe.

_To: Zoe_  
_I’m not okay_  
_I’m really not okay right now_

_To: Evan_  
_That’s really vague_  
_What happened?_

_To: Zoe_  
_Connor broke up with me Zoe_  
_I’m having a breakdown in the bathroom_

_To: Evan_  
_HE DID WHAT?!_  
_Which bathroom, Evan. There’s a lot of them._

_To Zoe:_  
_The one by the computer lab_

_To: Evan_  
_I’m on my way_  
_I’m bringing Alana_

Evan was sobbing so hard it hurt. He knew soulmates had fights and rough patches but this just felt so final. To him, in his delirious and upset mind, it felt like Connor wouldn’t come back. His thoughts were interrupted by the bathroom door opening.

“Evan? It’s Zoe and Alana.”

“I-I-I’m i-in t-t-the f-first st-stall.” Evan sniffled, rubbing his sleeve across his face. He was trying to dry his tears, but more kept coming so it was a useless attempt. He stood up slowly and unlocked the stall. Immediately he was embraced in a very tight hug and he started ugly crying. He was wheezing and tears were streaming down his face. He felt broken.

“I’m so sorry Evan. This really is horrible, but it’s going to be okay.” Alana tried, rubbing Evan’s back. She wasn’t really good at consoling people but she wanted to try to help.

“What’d he say exactly?” Zoe asked, keeping Evan in the tight yet comfortable hug. Alana elbowed and gave her a hard look as if to say ‘Give him time! The poor boy only just got broken up with!’. Evan sniffled and took a deep, shaky breath.

“H-he s-said that he d-d-didn’t want to hurt me. Th-that being with me meant he would ruin me and that he would hurt me.. I guess he was right, huh?” Evan chuckled lowly, tears slowly dripping down his face.

_‘I’m going to kill him.’_ Zoe mouthed to Alana, containing her anger so she could provide better comfort for Evan.

_‘Evan still needs him, Zo. Tear him a new one, but don’t kill him.’_ Alana mouthed back, trying to be the clearer headed one of the two. Zoe rolled her eyes. Alana knew she didn’t mean literally kill him but she still felt she should point it out.

“Evan, do you want me and Alana to take you home?” Zoe asked quietly. Evan nodded and the three left the bathroom in silence. Alana went to the office and signed all of them out and Zoe helped Evan to her car. In Zoe’s mind, she was really happy that she’d had to carpool Alana that morning. It would’ve been a bit awkward taking two cars to Evan’s house.

“Do you want to sit in shotgun or in the back?” She asked as they reached her car. Evan only shrugged in response. Zoe sighed as she unlocked the car and saw Alana walking towards them. Zoe opened the driver’s door, slid in and put on her seat belt. She didn’t like seeing Evan like this. Alana coaxed the still sniffling boy into the back seat and sat next to him. She put his seat belt on for him then did her own. As Zoe started the car, Alana wrapped an arm across Evan’s shoulders in an attempt to be a comforting presence, and it appeared to work because not long after he had stopped crying but was still obviously upset. Soon they arrived at Evan’s house and as they walked up the steps, Evan was thankful he had two of his closest friends flanking him to help him cope.

Zoe opened and held the door to let the others go in first. After they were both inside she followed and closed the door behind her. Evan and Alana had assumed the couch and Alana had turned on Parks and Rec which was Evan’s favorite show. Zoe moved to the kitchen and looked in the freezer. She found exactly what she was looking for, two tubs of chocolate chip cookie dough icecream. She grabbed them both to see which felt lighter but it appeared they had both just been bought. Shrugging, she put one back, grabbed three spoons, and went back to where her friends were waiting.

“Cheers to friends, Parks and Rec, and icecream.” Zoe laughed, passing out the spoons and sitting down on the other side of Evan. She pulled the lid off the container and set it on Evan’s lap because he was in the middle and it made sense. Icecream in the middle of three people means everyone can reach it and not have to struggle.

“Thank you. You guys didn’t have to do this.” Evan said with a small smile, grabbing a spoonful of icecream and putting it in his mouth.

“Of course we did. You’re our friend Evan. Friends look out for each other.” Alana said, giving Evan a side hug.

“Alana! You said it!” Zoe beamed at her girlfriend. She was proud.

“Said what?” Evan asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Friends- I uh- I said we were friends,” Alana paused, “it’s kind of a big deal for me because, I don’t know if you know this, but I have anxiety too and it presents itself as minor trust issues which is why I never called anyone my friend. I didn’t feel like it was okay to use so I always just said acquaintance or close acquaintance or something because I was afraid of trusting people. But because of Zoe and you and even Jared and Connor, I’ve learned it’s okay to be close to people but until now I was still afraid to call someone a friend.” She finished with a grin. She felt a bit happier. Happier because she was finally allowing herself to open up.

“I’m proud of you, Alana.” Evan said.

“I am too. Love you, Lanny.” Zoe said, gently poking Alana’s shoulder from behind Evan’s back. Alana started to tear up. She never thought she’d find such good friends.

They watched Parks and Rec for hours. They finished the first tub of icecream but decided not to get out the second one. At around five o’clock Zoe’s phone rang. She muted the TV, stood up and walked to the kitchen.

“Hey mom. Sorry I forgot to-.” Zoe started.

_“Zoe where are you?”_

“I'm with Alana and Evan at Evan’s house. What’s going on?” Zoe asked. Her eyes went wide as her mother spoke. When Cynthia finished talking Zoe spoke quietly. “Okay. Bye mom.” She walked slowly back into the TV room where Evan and Alana were waiting expectantly. She swallowed roughly. It felt as if there was something thick coating her throat. She almost couldn’t speak.

“There’s been an accident,” she croaked. “Connor’s in the hospital.”


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe gets angry and Connor is okay(ish)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyhey i actually kept my word about posting lookit i'm proud of myself

Evan paled. Connor was in the hospital?

“What happened?” He asked quietly.

“Mom didn’t tell me. She just said we need to get to the hospital immediately.” Zoe replied, grabbing her keys. Evan nodded numbly and with Alana’s help he stood up. The three friends walked swiftly to Zoe’s car.

“Do you have any idea as to what might’ve happened?” Alana whispered, making sure Evan didn’t hear her. Zoe looked at Alana sadly and nodded. They all piled in and Zoe barely put on her seatbelt before speeding to the hospital. She was thankful she’d parked on the street and hadn’t pulled into the driveway. The ride there was silent and quick. All parties in the car were too stunned to speak. Zoe whipped her car into the parking lot and dragged herself out of her car. Evan and Alana got out and followed Zoe inside. As they walked in Zoe spotted her parents and jog-walked over to them. Cynthia wrapped her arms around her daughter and Zoe felt how wet her face was from tears. She was sobbing.

“Mrs. Murphy, what happened? Is Connor going to be okay?” Alana asked as she and Evan got closer to the family. Cynthia, who was shaking from crying so hard, didn’t answer.

“He’s going to be fine. Doctor’s said he’s lucky we found him when we did. Any later, he’d have been gone.” Larry explained, gently pulling Cynthia away from Zoe and hugging her close to his chest.

“That answers one of my questions but the other still stands. What happened?” Alana pushed, trying to keep her voice as soft as she could. In response, Larry just took a folded piece of paper out of his coat pocket and handed it to her. As Alana unfolded it, Zoe and Evan crowded around her.

_‘Dear Mom. Dear Dad. Dear Evan and Zoe and Alana. I’m sorry_

_I learned I can’t make mistakes._   
_before I could really see._   
_I learned there's so much at stake._   
_I knew who I could never be._

_and all people do is just stare_   
_so I decided that i can’t stay_   
_yeah, i've got nothing to share_   
_no i've got nothing to say_

_i'm stepping out stepping out of the sun_   
_cause i keep getting burned_   
_stepping out stepping out of the sun_   
_because i've learned, because i've learned_

_on the outside always looking in_   
_i will never be more than i've always been_   
_cause i'm break break breaking things apart_   
_waving through a window_

_I don’t try to speak cause nobody will hear_   
_no I don’t wait around for an answer to appear_   
_while I'm watch watch watching life go past_   
_waving through a window_

_I know no one can see_   
_I know there's no one waving back at me._

_I’m sorry._

_Sincerely, Me.’_

Evan felt like he was going to start crying for a second time that day. Alana’s mouth was hanging open in shock.

“It’s a s-suicide note..” Zoe whispered, horrified. Larry nodded and ran his hand down his face.

“He swallowed a bottle of pills. I-I found him in the bathtub, convulsing and gagging. I was so scared. I yelled at Larry to call 911 and I stuck my fingers down Connor’s throat to try and get him to puke it up, which he did thank god. When the ambulance arrived they used a stomach pump to make sure everything was out. I was terrified I was going to lose him.” Cynthia sniffled, trying to dry her tears.

“Family of Connor Murphy?” a nurse called out. Larry, Cynthia and Zoe all turned around and the nurse motioned for them to follow her. Zoe shot Alana and Evan an apologetic look before following the nurse to Connor’s room.

“He’s right this way. He may not be awake yet, but if he is he’s going to be very groggy.” The nurse explained with an obvious false kindness in her voice. It seemed like they had been walking for forever when the nurse finally stopped them. “Here we are!” She said before walking away. Zoe took a shaky breath before taking the lead and pushing the door open. Cynthia and Larry followed suit and soon they were all standing around the small hospital bed. Connor was so still it looked like he wasn’t breathing and that scared Zoe. She assumed the only chair in the room and grabbed Connor’s hand. Connor and Zoe weren’t very close and sure Zoe sometimes wished he weren’t her brother, but she didn’t want him to die.

“Don’t die on me, you fucker. I’m not done with you yet...” She whispered, making sure he would be the only person to hear her. If he could even hear. Zoe felt the slightest amount of pressure on her hand. She smiled faintly and squeezed back.

“Your mom and I are going to head home. She’s still too shaken. Do you want me to see if Alana and Evan can come?” Zoe shook her head.

“No. I don’t think they should right now. Can you give them both rides home?” Larry nodded and escorted his wife quietly out of the room. As the door clicked shut, Zoe sighed and leaned her head against the railing of the bed. She was still in shock and frankly she was mad. She was mad at Connor. She was furious with him.

“Do you know how heartbroken Evan would have been? If you'd actually succeeded?” She asked with a quiet rage. Connor just squeezed her hand. His throat felt like it was completely closed and his mouth felt dry.

“Wa….. ter….” He croaked. Zoe nodded and stood up. She exited the room and quickly went to find water. It took about ten minutes before she found a water cooler that had cups. She stared silently as she watched the cup fill with water. As she walked back to his room, she couldn’t help but think about his letter. It was filled with so much pain and she couldn’t believe she’d never noticed before. When she arrived outside she pushed the door open gently and resumed the chair she had been sitting in previously. Connor’s eyes were open now and he gave her a sort of helpless look. He couldn’t hold the cup by himself. He was too weak.

“Go slowly, okay. I don’t want you to choke because you were swallowing too much at one time.” She said, gently pressing the cup to Connor’s lips. He took a few sips and turned his head to the side. Zoe set the cup down on the tray that was attached to the bed.

“I… know.” Connor ground out, his voice hoarse and gravelly. Zoe blinked in confusion, having forgotten what she had said earlier. “I… know… Evan… I’m… sorry…” He had cottonmouth and had to swallow between each word. He could barely get anything out.

“You mean a lot to him, dumbass.” Zoe sighed, lifting the cup back to Connor’s lips. Connor finished off what was left in the cup and took a deep breath. He still wasn’t very sure in his voice.

“I know.”

“Then why the hell did you break up with him?!” Zoe demanded, trying not to raise her voice. Connor didn’t reply. “Do you want to know what you did to him?” Connor shook his head but Zoe ignored him. She was a woman on a mission. “He had a breakdown in a bathroom, Connor. He was sobbing and hyperventilating and he looked so hurt. It was painful to see.”

“He… he what?” Connor asked quietly.

“He had a breakdown in a bathroom, because of _you_.” Zoe spat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahahahahhahaha i'm currently incapable of writing anything but angst im sorry. Connor's note is actually something that i came up with when my friend and i were thinking of concepts for if Connor's suicide had a song. it's supposed to be like a waving through the window reprise.


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor feels Bad about Everything and gets a Surprise Visitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is like 90% dialogue and i'm sorry

“I ruin everything,” Connor sighed.

“You didn’t ruin it. Not yet at least. But you sure as shit hurt Evan.”

“I didn’t want to hurt him.. I don’t want to hurt him but if I’m with him I’ll-”

“Connor would you get your head out of your ass? He loves you. He really does, and for him not being with you hurts worse than anything you think you might do.”

“I doubt that.” Connor grumbled. Zoe groaned and ran her hands over her face.

“He’s still a mess Connor. He was trying to hide it when he was with Alana and I but I could tell he was still heartbroken. If you refuse to acknowledge that then you’re an even bigger jackass than I thought.” She said, standing up to leave.

“Zoe wait,” Connor said, grabbing her wrist. “Why isn’t he here?”

“I sent him home with mom and dad. He wasn’t ready to see you.” Zoe explained, still facing the door.

“He wasn’t ready to see me or you weren’t ready for him to see me.”

“He wasn’t ready, Connor. He might’ve thought he was but he needed to rest,” Zoe said, pulling her arm free, “I’m going home now. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Connor sighed as the door closed. He wanted to see Evan. He wanted to be with Evan and talk to him and make him smile and laugh again. But he knew it wouldn’t be happening soon. As he closed his eyes, he heard the door creak open.

“Connor? It’s Heidi. Evan’s mom.” Said a soft voice, moving and sitting at the chair next to his bed. Connor opened his eyes and gave her a half hearted smile. “How are you feeling?”

“Pretty shitty.” Connor said, forcing a laugh. Heidi nodded and placed a hand gently on Connor’s arm. “But what else would you expect from someone who just failed a suicide attempt.” he muttered sourly.

“Connor come on now. Look on the bright side here!” Heidi said. Connor couldn’t help but smile at her bright attitude. “Evan needs you. He really does. And for his sake, since he can’t say it right now, I’m glad you’re still here.”

“Thank you Ms. Han- Heidi. I appreciate it.” Connor replied, hands fidgeting.

“What’s on your mind kiddo?”

“I hurt Evan.” Connor whispered. Heidi sighed and gently squeezed his arm. “He probably hates me now. I was an ass to him because I didn’t want to hurt him but of course doing that would hurt him.”

“I will admit breaking up with him in an attempt not to hurt him was a bit idiotic. You should’ve just voiced your fears instead of acting on what wasn’t yet set in stone.” Connor stayed quiet. He knew she was right.

“I want to apologize to him.” Heidi sighed and gave a small smile.

“I’ll send him your way when he’s ready. For now, you should get some rest, okay?” Connor nodded.

“Thank you Heidi.” She flashed a smile and gave Connor’s hand a reassuring squeeze before standing up and leaving the room. As the door clicked shut, Connor closed his eyes and drifted to sleep

****

The next morning, Connor woke up with a splitting headache. He slowly blinked his eyes opened and winced at the bright light reflecting of the white hospital room walls. It took a minute or so but eventually his eyes adjusted and he realized there was someone sitting next to him.

“Morning emo beauty.”

“Why are you here, Jared? You don’t like me, hell I’m going to go as far as to say you hate me.” Connor groaned. It was too early for his bullshit.

“I’m here because god knows no one else will visit you and I don’t actually hate you that much.” Jared replied nonchalantly. Connor raised an eyebrow. That was interesting.

“Is that so?”

“Yeah. I actually wanted to make sure you were okay and shit.”

“Okay… that seems fake and somewhat suspicious but okay.”

“Don’t be an ass. I’m trying to be nice to you for once.” Connor shifted awkwardly in the hospital bed.

“Thanks, I guess.” Connor mumbled. A surprisingly comfortable silence filled the room as the two boys sat together. Neither really knew what to say or what to do so they did nothing for a long time.

“Do you wanna play cards?” Jared asked after ten minutes of silence.

“Why not? Could be fun.” Connor replied with a smile as Jared pulled a deck of cards out of his bag. _‘This just might work out..’_ Connor thought as he watched Jared deal out the deck. _‘Just maybe..’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow look at that! i finally updated what a shocker. I'm sorry this is like really short but I hope it makes up for my really long ass absence. If not, it'll do you good to know that chapter four is already underway and Not As Bad as this. comments and kudos mean Everything To Me. you can catch me on tumblr @smolsadshitpost


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Connor play go fish and the Murphys are.... the Murphys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowie it's been a hot minute, eh? i hope this will Suffice

They ended up going through four games of go fish before Zoe and Connor’s parents showed up.

 

“I call bullshit! I know you have a two! I saw you pick it up!” Jared yelled angrily.

 

“I don’t! I swear I don’t! Just fucking go fish Jared!” Connor roared. Zoe stared at the two boys in shock. They weren’t at eachother’s throats. They were being… friendly? One mght go as far as to say they were being playful.

 

“No! I’m not going fishing! I know you have a two, dammit!” Larry and Cynthia were looking between the two. They were an odd pair. Zoe walked around and looked over Connor’s shoulder. He had two Aces, two Jacks, and a Queen. Looking from the deck, to Jared, then back to the deck, Zoe laughed.

 

“He’s telling the truth. He is two less.” Connor pouted and looked at his parents.

 

“She’s not allowed to do that is she? She can’t tell him what I do or do not have in my deck! That’s cheating!"

 

“She didn’t say which cards you actually have, so I don’t think it counts.” Cynthia said, smiling at her son. She hadn’t seen him this animated in years. Connor groaned with exasperation.

 

“Oh come on!”

 

“That’s how it is, son.” Larry interjected. Rolling his eyes, Connor turned his attention back to Jared.

 

“You still need to go fish.”

 

“Okay, okay! Fine!” He said, picking the card from the top of the deck. As he shuffled the card into his handful, his eyes widened. “A goddamn two.. Yes! I’ve completed the twos!”

 

“And that’s your… first set. Isn’t it?” Connor teased.

 

“Not all of us are go fish gods!” Jared exclaimed, gesturing to the four sets Connor had.

 

“What can I say? I can read people.”

 

“At cards maybe. Not in relationships.” Zoe muttered. Connor flinched.

 

“Zoe! Uncalled for!” Cynthia scolded, giving her daughter a stern look. Zoe shrugged.

 

“She’s not wrong.” Connor mumbled.

 

“She may not be wrong, but that was still really unnecessary. Zoe, don’t be a dick to someone who’s been in a hospital for two days because, I wish there was a nicer way to put this, he tried to fucking kill himself. So, if you’re gonna be rude, I will make sure you aren’t allowed back in this room for the rest of his stay here.” Jared threatened, not looking up from his cards.

 

“What right do you have to tell me I can’t visit my brother?! You two aren’t even friends.”

 

“False. The past hour of go fish would beg to differ,”Jared said, looking at Connor who laughed and awkwardly nodded in agreement, “and I got that right when you came in here spewing shit at him for making a goddamn joke.” Zoe huffed and stormed out of the room, muttering curses as she went. Larry frowned at the remaining party and followed suit.

 

“How do you feel Connor? Do you want to talk about anything? Is there anything we can do?” Cynthia asked, clucking around him like a mother hen and moving Jared away.

 

“I’m fine mom.” Cynthia ignored him, continuing to worry about. “Mom. Mom!”

 

“Sorry sweetie-”

 

“I’m fine. I don’t need anything. I don’t want to talk,” Connor paused, clenching a fist at his side, “and you’re kind of standing in the middle of my card game.”

 

“Oh, my bad. I’ll come back later, okay?” Connor nodded and gave his mom a tight lipped smile as she walked out of the door.

 

“That was.. Interesting. Are you alright?” Jared asked.

 

“Get out.” Connor said quietly, slightly trembling.

 

“Connor- I don’t-”

 

“Get out, Jared!” He roared.

 

“No! I’m not going to just leave you here to wallow in your thoughts!”

 

“Jared, I swear if you don’t-”

 

“I’m not fucking leaving Connor! What the hell got into you?!”

 

“I just want to be alone, Jared!”

 

“Unfortunate, Murphy! I’m not leaving when you’re in this headspace!”

 

“Why do you care all of the sudden, huh?! Why only now do you start acting like you don’t think I’m the worst thing-”

 

“Shut UP Connor. I’m here because I care about Evan. And because like I said, I don’t want you only being visited by your family. They aren’t exactly the… _friendliest_ of people.”

 

“Did Evan ask you to come?” Connor asked quietly. Jared shook his head.

 

“Evan hasn’t really said anything since what happened.”

 

“Oh.” They sat quietly for a while before Jared stood up.

 

“Are you okay?” Connor nodded. “Are you sure?” Connor nodded again. “I’m gonna go then, okay?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Connor.”

 

“See you tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was in a Massive Depressive Episode for like a month and half, sorry i wasn't updating. This is kind of short but I hope you liked it. comments and kudos are what motivate me and i really appreciate them. thank you <3

**Author's Note:**

> doN'T HATE ME OKAY I PROMISE THINGS WILL GET BETTER (eventually) also 'Lanny' is pronounced kind of like 'Johnny' comments an kudos are just??? so nice??? i really appreciate them and i read all of them. I usually don't reply but that's bc i'm an awful person but i promise your comment will probably make me smile. For quicker notifications on when I update, follow my tumblr! @smolsadshitpost it's like 90% musicals, 10% random things i enjoy, and 100% trash. je t'aime et au revoir!


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